Gomen, Minna

I'm sorry I'm breaking the rules, Danya, but if I don't post this, I won't be able to live with myself.

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I'm so sorry. I don't know how many times it will take for me to say this but I am really truly sorry. I really didn't know it would turn out so bad. I really didn't know I could be this pathetic or useless. I didn't know I was letting so many people down.

I'm sorry, Zun Zen, you had to go through so much trouble and I'm sorry I ended up placing everything on your shoulders. I'm sorry, Jiunn, I ended up pushing all my responsibilities to you and not doing anything myself.

I'm sorry Kanga, I asked you to help get the teachers' signatures because I had to go home and couldn't do it myself. I'm sorry to all the choir members I couldn't do my own job and left you clueless in school.

I'm sorry I didn't show up at such an important time. I'm sorry this whole thing's a mess just because I thought everything was already settled. I'm sorry I didn't do anything. I'm sorry Zun Zen had to waste her money to call someone useless like me. I'm sorry Kanga had to call me and waste her money too. I'm sorry to all the teachers if they didn't have a good time because of me. I'm sorry to the committee members I didn't tell you anything.

It was a first for me. I never knew how to organize things. But that's not an excuse, I know. I should've found out what to do. I should've known I had to get the teachers' permissions to use the Skylite. I'm sorry I'm so inexperienced. I'm sorry I cause so many people so much inconvenience. I'm sorry I can only apologize, and nothing else.

To have someone say to you, "You're really pissing me off" is not a joke. I've only heard my sister say that to me. Only my sister and no one else. Not my parents, not my other relatives, not my brother, not my friends. Only my sister. To have someone else say that to me, I thought it could never hurt as much as it did when I heard it.

And I am so embarrassed of tainting my family's name, making people think my family must be one that doesn't have any responsibility at all when my parents are really responsible people. They know how to properly organize things like concerts and all that. I'm sorry I had to be their child and be so pathetic.

It hurt so much to have someone yell at me. I've never been yelled at by anyone other than my family members. It pains me. My heart feels like it'll stop at any moment and the tears don't stop coming. It's like it's the first time facing reality, knowing nothing goes perfectly if you're not doing anything yourself.

I'm so sorry, everyone. You probably don't believe me and you probably will never trust me again, but believe this much: I'm really sorry.

I should've said I couldn't do it when I had the chance. I should've said I'm not capable, I'm not responsible and nothing you think I am. This is such an embarrassment, having almost everyone in the house able to hear you because your stupid phone is always on loudspeaker and when Zun Zen yelled, my mom's students could hear me. They probably pretended not to hear, but who am I trying to kid? My stupid house phone is always on loudspeaker, it can't be switched off. So even when Kanga was on the phone with me, everyone could hear. When Zun Zen was yelling, everyone could hear.

The tears wouldn't stop. The pain wouldn't stop. The aching wouldn't stop. I felt pathetic, useless and so irresponsible. I didn't know it would turn out like that. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. Please believe that much. I'm really, truly, so sorry.