Okane

Lemme be frank with you. You think that just cause you're a little less fortunate than the other students, you think everyone else is a snob? You think that just cause you're a little less well off than the other students, you think you've got the right to be pissed?

That's where you're wrong.

For one, there are people who are way, way less fortunate and way, way less well off than you. There are people loitering around alleyways and abandoned warehouses who use those places as a shelter to live in. Some aren't even lucky enough to find such places.  There are those who don't even have enough food to last a day, what more a week or so?

And don't tell me you're in that condition cause if you were, you wouldn't have enough to enroll yourself in school.

You're trying to tell me that everyone in the school is a snob and look down upon those who aren't so wealthy? Let me tell you this: Not all of them are snobs and not all of them are people who are wealthy. Some might even be in a worse condition than you, but do they complain? No, right? 

Rather than telling people that you're so poor and can't afford everything under the moon, I don't see you trying to do anything about it. 

And what's that talk about people who have enough money to last a month are rich? That's bullshit, do you know that? Do you even know the definition of "rich"? I'd rather not have you spouting complete nonsense just cause you can't get your facts right and your everyday life is getting to your head.

Do you know what "rich" means? It means people who have SO much money that they don't know what the hell to do with it, so they end up buying unnecessary stuff like jewelry, necklaces, branded stuff and Lord knows what else. You don't say people who have enough food to eat for a month are rich. For all you know, some people might have to eat less in portion to get through a month.

And what about me? You're trying to tell me I'm rich? You're trying to tell me I have a safe full of money? Are you accusing me of being able to live like this? 

Did you seriously think we could live like this if my parents didn't work hard? If my aunt didn't have to pitch in? If my granddad who's reaching his seventies didn't have to continue working? If my sister didn't learn to be independent and go off to Singapore with that scholarship? If I didn't try earning money in school so I wouldn't have to depend on my parents to give me pocket money?

*I won't mention my brother :P*

Forget it if you think we lived like this through easy money, okay? We strive forward and look to a brighter future. We have our ups and downs. Sales not going well, granddad undergoing surgery, grandma having cancer, stupid brother who can't earn money for peanuts *:P* and even me. It's not like I got money through indecent ways, right? I didn't steal, I didn't cheat, I didn't blackmail anyone into paying me money.

I didn't frame Andyy and the others into pitying me and giving me their food either. Sometimes, I survive through recess without food, you know that? I'm only this size because I have money of my own and I have snacks in my house -_-

Plus, a good majority of the food in my house aren't bought by my parents either. Thanks to my mom being a good teacher, her students look up to her and on special occasions like the Mooncake Festival or on her birthday, she gets presents and stuff from her students. We don't even have to buy mooncakes for the Mooncake Festival because we have plenty given by my mom's students.

Don't believe me? Ask my sister :)

Even on normal days, just as a sign of appreciation, my mom gets food from her students' moms who like to bake or earn a bakery. If my mom was a despicable woman of low caliber, you think we'd live like this?

And my dad. Just cause I tell you his occupation, you think he's some bigshot with plenty of money rolling into his wallet. If my dad didn't have a brain like he has now or smart thinking, you think we'd have cash? You think we'd have a car? You think we'd have Snowy? I don't think so. 

You know, sooner or later, if something went wrong with our lives, we'd have to give up Snowy, I'd be crying my eyes out, begging for my parents to take her back, but you know what? Life wouldn't be that simple. And I would certainly hate having to hear "We can't afford to buy her food and shampoo anymore. We just can't afford the price of having a dog anymore". I would go haywire. Crazy. But I wouldn't be able to do anything about it. Cause the damage is done. I can't look back.

Everyone works hard. Everyone plays a part in our well-being. We don't just sit around and pray money will fall from the sky. We don't mope around and think "Why did I have to be born into a not-so-wealthy family?

Trust me, I'm not offending you. I'm not saying you hate being in your family or if you hate that you're not so well off. But I'm just reminding you, that those who are rich or average in wealth have family members who support, encourage and contribute to what comes in the end.

So don't ask Cleo to shut up just because you're a little pissed. How often do I bring my purse to school? How often do I eat as much as I ate that day? I didn't even know about the condo till you told me.

Don't look around the table and blame the person closest to you. Cleo's just trying to help. She wouldn't do anything to hurt you. Though I don't know why. -_- 

And seriously, if I hear you crap about how rich people are those who can eat for a month, I'm seriously gonna lose my head and break your neck.

Ciao!! :)

Hontoni Hontoni Hontoni DAIkirai

I just realized, but I really, really, really hate you. I know I've always hated you, but I just realized now that I seriously hate you to the depths of hell.

You can ask me why, but I'll just continue telling you, "Think yourself. Reflect your actions." No way am I gonna tell you your own problem. Tch, who do you think I am? :P

Anyways, I seriously love Natsume :P You know, from Gakuen Alice? I've reviewed that anime before. I'll tell you now, if you haven't read the manga, you're an ass :P For one, it's more detailed than the anime. Second, it's longer than the anime. Thirdly, it's got more interesting stuff than the anime. I've always known reading materials have always been better than the ones on screen so I thought I'd try reading Gakuen Alice. -_-

I love Natsume. He's so CUTE!! And he's also the kind of character that makes me swoon. You know, the "like-the-girl-but-don't-wanna-tell-so-I-tease-her-and-silently-protect-her" kind of attitude? Yeah... He's better than Souji in the sense that he actually knows he likes the heroine. Souji's just... dense. -_-

Oh, and guess what? You'll never guess. I'm watching Pokemon on Youtube. HAHA! I know! I just thought to myself that day in school "I wanna watch Pokemon" and so now I'm searching it on Youtube. Didn't think they'd actually have 'em. I can't watch it now, though, because my mom's just on the couch with my grandma and aunt -_-

That aside, I went for English class today. It was hilarious, as always. This time, I couldn't stop laughing. I actually started crying and my stomach seriously hurt. Yes, it was that funny. :) Sean pissed me off *like every other Saturday* because he fell asleep in class. You know, I don't really care for other subjects, but I can't stand it when someone else goes to English class and doesn't concentrate -_- 

So I decided, puff-t, if he didn't wanna wake up, I wasn't gonna bother. He can sleep through the day and I wouldn't care anymore. Sometimes, I wonder why I bother. Must be because I'm too nice :P

Haha.

After class, when we were waiting for our transport, when it came and we had to go, I looked at Sean and said, "Do yourself a favor; don't turn up for Theory Class."

I mean, come on, if he was tired and all that, he shouldn't piss our Theory teacher off as well, right?

-_- He ended up coming anyway. Grr... 

Well, as expected, the Theory teacher did blow a fuse, but not that badly as the weeks before. I've got to go to dinner soon. I'll just shorten everything else.

Had class, came back, called my grandma if she took her Astro card, but as I expected, she forgot, so I can't watch Inuyasha Kanketsu-Hen today. I'm so sad, but I couldn't ask her to go back and take it, right? Yeah, so I'll miss it today. Thank God I already watched one episode. Haha.

Thank the Lord for Youtube. That's all I've gone up to. Will be going to dinner now. Will update if anything happens. CIAO!!

Kawaii Snowy!!

Isn't she just adorable?!!! I caught her when she was sleeping this morning. Woke up at 8:30 a.m. today. Haha. This is a treat for my sister in Singapore and for those doggy-loving creatures out there :)

She's so CUTE!!!

My darling Snuffles!!! :P CIAO for now!!

Aka-chan Mitai~

Dang!! You will never guess what time I slept last night. I slept at six o'clock!! No joke, man! I woke up again at 8 something to drink soup and half an hour later, I went back to sleep. I don't know why, but I felt extremely exhausted after I came back from school.

I went to the condo with Danya, Kanga, Cleo, Ihmi and Kent too. Ate chicken fried rice, two half-boiled eggs, iced milo and some of Kent's maggi mee -_- Ohh, and toast too. :P I can imagine the look of my sister's face screaming "You ate so much?!!!"

Well, this is what I get for bringing my purse to school :P

Lent RM10 to Danya but she'll be paying me back soon. Haha. I didn't go to school today because so many teachers didn't come to school, I thought it'd be a waste of time. Also, I think my parents were probably weirded out by me sleeping so early, they thought I should just go on sleeping :P

I was aware that my brother was leaving for school, so I woke up once before falling asleep again. I also had a reasonably nice dream, so I probably didn't wanna wake up too soon. Woke up at 8 something. Not that early, but still early compared to normal.

When I woke up, yes, I switched on the computer and charged my iPod. Yesterday, I used my iPod a lot with the speakers when I was sleeping, so its batteries are near dead now. My mom came down at around 10 something and dragged me out to fetch my brother from school. At that point of time, my father was talking with some air-cond dude about our meter because the bill went up to RM2000+

Haiz... My brother seriously made my mom crazy. He wasn't at places we thought he'd be. My mom told me if I wasn't in the car with her, she'd be swearing her head off. I've been wondering for a while now... Has my mom ever sworn before?

-_-

Found him at last. He said he sprained his back. -_- He also said his Geography was okay. You know, what with the way he's talking about his exams, I might actually consider the fact he'd get 7 A's. Haha. Let's just wait for the results :P

But his back spraining is no laughing matter. He can't seem to turn. Apparently, he feels like when I had my right hand sprained from writing too much :P He'll get better soon. Well, he has to, since he's got PMR tomorrow, right?

Haha. My mom's out washing her hair at the salon at the mo. She used her birthday presents today again too :) I just realized. :P We'll be eating lunch at the dim sum place near our house after she's done.

I'm supposed to bathe too, but you know me :P

Will stop here for now. I'll update when anything interesting happens. CIAO!!

Mainichi Kisu Shite

Everytime you kissed me
I trembled like a child
Gathering the roses
We sang for the hope
Your very voice is in my heartbeat
Sweeter than my dream
We were there, in everlasting bloom

Roses die,
The secret is inside my pain
Winds are high up on the hill
I cannot hear you
Come and hold me close
I'm shivering cold in the heart of rain
Darkness falls, I'm calling for the dawn

Silver dishes for the memories,
For the days gone by
Singing for the promises
Tomorrow may bring
I harbour all the old affection
Roses are the past
Darkness falls, and summer will be gone

Joys of the daylight
Shadows of the starlight
Everything was sweet by your side, my love
Ruby tears have come to me, for your last words
I'm here just singing my song of woe
Waiting for you, my love

Everytime you kissed me
My heart was in such pain
Gathering the roses
We sang of the grief
Your very voice is in my heart beat
Sweeter than despair
We were there, in everlasting bloom

Underneath the star
Shaded by the flowers
Kiss me in the summer day gloom, my love
You are all my pleasure, my hope and my song
I will be here dreaming in the past
Until you come
Until we close our eyes

* * *

That was "Every Time You Kissed Me" from Emily Bindinger. It's one of the songs in Pandora Hearts, the anime I was watching a few weeks before. I was waiting till it finished before I continued. 

Oooh, and speaking of continuations, guess what? Shugo Chara has finished it's second season :) Yes, Danya, you may scream :P I'm serious. It has finished its 51-episode second season :) But wait, there's more!

Wait for it~

... There's a third season.

Haha. Yes, you may continue screaming, Danya. I can imagine the look on your face right now. Haha. The third season's called Shugo Chara Party. The first episode's not that big a deal, so I'm waiting for the next few episodes before I comment.

Haha, I bet you wanna know what happened in the last episode of the second season :P I'm killing you, aren't I? :P Well, fine, since you're begging. :P Ikuto finally kissed Amu on the cheek!! 

I think this is the last time I'll be able to listen to anything :P Praise the Lord if my ears are still functioning after tomorrow :P I was so surprised *and happy* :P And you seriously should've seen the look on Amu, Tadase and Utau's faces. Can you imagine?!! Haha. Betcha wanna skip straight to that episode right now.

Nya nya nya. You gotta wait. I won't forgive you if you jump straight there :)

That aside, today was another series of me getting pissed off. I was pissed off twice today. I got so angry because my parents kept accusing me of always using the computer for useless stuff. They've got some truth in their words, but the way my dad was phrasing it made me really wanna slap them silly.

Okay, not really slap, but you understand right?

You know what? Since you always think I'm using the favors you ask me as an excuse to use the computer, don't ask me for any favors, will you? Since you're always sick of me using the computer, next time, print your own certificates. Check your own mails and send them to other people on your own. 

If you can only rely on me, learn how to at least show some bit of appreciation. I'm not even asking much. Geez. Just don't doubt me? You don't know how painful it is for someone to hear the words "I can't trust you", you know that? You always ask me to do stuff and "tell you the truth", but what's the point if the next thing that comes out of your mouth is "Don't lie" or "Ei ei ei, tell the truth" or even "Don't deny it".

Try having someone say that to YOU for once!

Eeesh.

That aside, the second time was when we went to Tesco to celebrate Jen-itor's birthday. You know what? The next time we order anything, why don't you all write down your own orders. You keep confusing me with all the crosses and mis-orders. You don't even bother that it's your birthday. Why is it we have to pay if it's your effing birthday? You said you would treat me a drink, where's the truth in that?

I ended up paying for my brother's order as well. You think it's easy to earn all that money? You've gotta be joking! I'm not Superwoman or Wonderwoman. Money doesn't just fall into my hands. I go on a hunger strike in school, you know that? The most expensive price I've spent in school the whole year this year was RM2.50?

And that was enough for me to be full. My friends make such a big commotion when I bring my purse to school. My friends say "Oh my God" when they hear I brought money to school. They think it's impossible to think that I have money of my own to spend.

It's not that simple to just show you the contents of my purse with a smile on my face. I try so hard to earn money by whatever means possible. My parents, relatives all think that I shouldn't do that especially in school, but what's wrong with preparation? What's wrong with being ready for the future? What's all the talk of saving money for the future generation if you don't want us to save money?

And to think, Sean spends RM20 each week in his school. Do you know how much I treasure that amount of money? Don't think so.

To my sister, she'd just say "Yeah, she wants to save money to spend it on anime" -_- What's the problem with that?? I mean, I know I went on a real frenzy with the anime buying but it's not like I do that anymore, right? Puff-t, I'd be lucky if I go to a shopping mall and get an anime.

But I have got to concentrate on my studies. I wanna get straight A's. Not that I really care what I get, but I wanna make it easier on my parents. Be a little independent, you know? I bet my sister's coughing really hard right now. Don't strain your throat, che :P

Looking forward to more Inuyasha Kanketsu-Hen :P

Will stop here! CIAO!!

Kanketsu-Hen

Aiseh... I just watched the first episode of Inuyasha's Kanketsu-Hen. So it means I already knows what's gonna happen even if I don't watch it on the 10th of October. Haha.

I also found the official trailer for the Kanketsu-Hen with English subs. I'm putting it on as I'm typing right now :)

I'm so happy it's finally coming out. For God's sake, Kikyo, die already!! :P I'm happy Kohaku finally regains his memory and Sango finds out. Praise the Lord, she at last manages to get her brother back. Haiz... Kagome, Inuyasha, be a little honest with yourselves, will you?

I still can't believe I can't go to Times Square for the event before they air it on Animax!! Ala! I just found out it's not in the Convention Centre and I thought I'd be able to go if the Electone Fest my dad's attending was held there but they're both held at completely different places.

This is so sucky.

At least I already watched the first episode? :P

In the trailer, it looked like Kagura will seriously die... She turned out to be good in the end, though she has a funny way of showing it -_-

* * *

Putting that aside, today, I skipped school. Woke up at around 10 something because I heard my mom coaching my brother and yelling at him to take a dictionary to find the meaning of the word "musibah" -_-

Had a birthday lunch *my mom's* at Wong Kok Char Chan Teng, the place in Leisure Mall. She brought along her IC to verify her birthdate to get the free bucket of Milk Tea. Haha. It was a bit slow with the food, but we managed it in time :)

Came back and read a little manga and Sejarah. -_- My brother had a tuition marathon today. First, my mom. Second, Encik Badrul. Third, Puan Roh and the last one was the tuition at Sean's house, which he came at a later time. 

Classes were fun. Everyone was present. Oooh, speaking of presents, my mom wore her birthday present from my sister and I to work today to show it off :P *Be proud, che!!* Anyways, my brother and his friends played a little basketball whilst waiting for my mom's arrival.

Dang, I ate a lot of ice in Sean's house. Maybe it's cause I inhaled loads of secondhand smoke from the bastards in Leisure Mall. For God's sake, go somewhere and kill yourself, will you? That aside, I actually spoke quite a bit with Nicky today. He was the only one not playing basketball.

Sean always used to tease us being together just because our surnames were the same. Tch, asshole. It's not like his surname is any different from ours -_- Just different spelling, that's all. Haiz...

Came back home and did something for my dad. He totally owes me :P Ohh, and we're celebrating Jen-itor's birthday tomorrow at Tesco but I don't know if my mom will allow me. What with my brother's PMR being tomorrow and all~ 

Hopefully, he gets pass it with reasonably flying colours :P

Alright. Will ciao for now. CIAO!!

Hontoni Usashiburi

Dang, I actually managed NOT to blog for about two days or so. Not bad~ :P Left the house to school early today. By 6:50 a.m. I was already walking from my brother's school. Succeeded in avoiding the seniors today *I'm still not comfortable with the whole gathering thing* and I apologized to Cleo so much that she said if I apologized to her once more, she wouldn't forgive me.

I also apologized to Shuen for leaving her without a table partner on Friday. She forgave me. I think -_-

Classes proceeded as usual. Spoke with Danya quite a bit. Oh, and guess what? I actually brought my jeans purse today. Everyone was shocked. Especially Danya and Andyy. Haha. My name's still written there. Andyy wrote it, that's why she remembers -_-

Managed to buy a tuna bun, mayo ham bun and eat my chocolate cake during recess. What? Hey, it's once in a million years I take my purse to school, right? And my dad gave me some allowance today too, so... Yeah...

Technically, it's already Tuesday, cause it's half past midnight. I just gave my mom her present that my sister bought. I bought the box, though :) It was a box with 5 bears on it, which refers to all five of us. My parents, my siblings and I. :)

Nothing REALLY interesting happened, though, in school, I mean. Apologized about 3 times to Jiunn. Haha. When I came back home and went online, Kas apologized to me, but I apologized to her after that, because I actually deserved to be yelled at. I was at fault -_-

Oh shit, my aunt's calling me. I have to go soon.

I practiced like shit today. I meant "shit" as in really long. Ate McD's ice cream on the way back. Played "Fields Of Hope" by Rie Tanaka on the piano. It's the song Kanga's been pestering me to teach her. To sing, that is.

After practicing, I took about 5 bucks and my mom's present from Evita Peroni to the stationery shop near our house to get a box to put it in. I settled for the one that cost me RM3.90 I was supposed to get Sausage a present too, but I'm not going to school on Tuesday. Yes, I am skipping school again.

My brother's not going to school... so... Yeah...

Ohh, ONE interesting thing happened in school today. We cooked. Yeah. Of course, I wasn't in the same group as Kanga, Danya, Chucky and Shuen -_- I was with Haylie, Wuss and Xuan. It's hilarious, cause Xuan thought I didn't understand Chinese. I mean, I don't, but I can understand to some extent :)

We cooked fried koay teow. Didn't turn out so bad. I cracked the eggs. Haha. Obviously :P And I helped to clean up after the cooking too. Shuen did all the washing in her group *except the kuali, which Kanga washed* and I helped her out. I did the washing in mine, though, all alone. That's cause the others were busy putting the ingredients back, of course. And to tell you the truth, it'd be better for only one person to do it, cause then the others don't get in your way.

Don't worry, Shuen, quoting Michael Jackson: "You are not alone" :P

Chucky's group fried maggi mee. -_- Quite simple, actually, but too salty. All in all, it's okay, though. Ours should've been a little spicier, though. We put in some chilli sauce, but it wasn't spicy at all.

Hah, cacat :P

Anyways, that's about all. I gave my mom her present and she was really happy. She liked the stuff... I Skyped with my sister today too. Just finished with her. Everyone was chatting. My parents, my brother, even our music teacher who drops by every Monday after eating dinner. :)

Haha, but my sister has to wear contacts because she broke her specs and had to repair it. She looks weird, but she'll get her specs soon anyway. If she wasn't wearing contacts, she'd be walking around half blind.

No wait... :P

Alrighty then. Will stop here. CIAO!!

High School Debut ~ Koukou Debut

Danya, we might as well just say we're allowed to blog -_- That's the only thing I'm doing with the computer, don't worry :P 

This manga is High School Debut; or in other names, Koukou Debut. This is quite a sweet and cool love story. I love the main characters. They drive me up the wall and the girl's hilarious. She misunderstands the slightest things, and sometimes, she's so dense that everything needs to be spelt out for her.

That's Haruna. All her junior high school years, she's been only hooked with manga and baseball. She's never gone with guys, talked about other stuff, just manga and baseball have been her best interests.

When she finally gets in high school, she decides she wants to have a boyfriend. However, with the only thoughts in her mind and her sense of style/fashion, she'd never get a boyfriend in a million years.

However, when she accidentally bumps into Komiyama Yoh, the only guy able to read through her thoughts, she asks him to coach her to get a boyfriend. At first, he was reluctant, but in the end, relented. He decides he will coach her on one condition: she mustn't fall in love with him.

But leave it to manga to have their twists and turns. They end up together. There are loads of conflicts and troubles along the way, but they managed not to screw up their relationship. Not only that, but like I said, it's hilarious and long :P Also, Haruna is pretty and Yoh's cute :P 

Enjoy this when you have the time! :) CIAO!!

Hontoni Arigato Gozaimasu, Sempai

Okay, I'm breaking the rules quite frequently now, but I really have to take this opportunity to say with all my heart that I thank you, Zun Zen, for forgiving me. I never expected to be forgiven, but I'm so happy you did. I swear, it'll never happen again. Not on my life.

I'm happy you had a great time. It must've been fantastic. I'm sorry I couldn't join in, and I'm still sorry it wasn't planned out properly, but I really thank you for forgiving me.

I thank you thank you thank you thank you and thank you again.

* * *

I read my sister's blog and I think I know who she's talking about. To my sister: Told ya it wouldn't last long. Not to say I knew they would find faults in each other, but they would soon run into a problem and go to my sister.

You're absolutely right with not choosing sides. That's what I do too, when someone asks me to choose. "I'm neutral!!" :P

Good luck with them, sista, cause from what I know *referring to MY friends*, things don't just end there.

I gotta ciao now. Sorry again, Danya, for breaking the rules. But on the other hand, I studied a whole load of Sejarah today! I did my Science homework too! And revised! You should be proud :P CIAO!!

Gomen, Minna

I'm sorry I'm breaking the rules, Danya, but if I don't post this, I won't be able to live with myself.

* * *

I'm so sorry. I don't know how many times it will take for me to say this but I am really truly sorry. I really didn't know it would turn out so bad. I really didn't know I could be this pathetic or useless. I didn't know I was letting so many people down.

I'm sorry, Zun Zen, you had to go through so much trouble and I'm sorry I ended up placing everything on your shoulders. I'm sorry, Jiunn, I ended up pushing all my responsibilities to you and not doing anything myself.

I'm sorry Kanga, I asked you to help get the teachers' signatures because I had to go home and couldn't do it myself. I'm sorry to all the choir members I couldn't do my own job and left you clueless in school.

I'm sorry I didn't show up at such an important time. I'm sorry this whole thing's a mess just because I thought everything was already settled. I'm sorry I didn't do anything. I'm sorry Zun Zen had to waste her money to call someone useless like me. I'm sorry Kanga had to call me and waste her money too. I'm sorry to all the teachers if they didn't have a good time because of me. I'm sorry to the committee members I didn't tell you anything.

It was a first for me. I never knew how to organize things. But that's not an excuse, I know. I should've found out what to do. I should've known I had to get the teachers' permissions to use the Skylite. I'm sorry I'm so inexperienced. I'm sorry I cause so many people so much inconvenience. I'm sorry I can only apologize, and nothing else.

To have someone say to you, "You're really pissing me off" is not a joke. I've only heard my sister say that to me. Only my sister and no one else. Not my parents, not my other relatives, not my brother, not my friends. Only my sister. To have someone else say that to me, I thought it could never hurt as much as it did when I heard it.

And I am so embarrassed of tainting my family's name, making people think my family must be one that doesn't have any responsibility at all when my parents are really responsible people. They know how to properly organize things like concerts and all that. I'm sorry I had to be their child and be so pathetic.

It hurt so much to have someone yell at me. I've never been yelled at by anyone other than my family members. It pains me. My heart feels like it'll stop at any moment and the tears don't stop coming. It's like it's the first time facing reality, knowing nothing goes perfectly if you're not doing anything yourself.

I'm so sorry, everyone. You probably don't believe me and you probably will never trust me again, but believe this much: I'm really sorry.

I should've said I couldn't do it when I had the chance. I should've said I'm not capable, I'm not responsible and nothing you think I am. This is such an embarrassment, having almost everyone in the house able to hear you because your stupid phone is always on loudspeaker and when Zun Zen yelled, my mom's students could hear me. They probably pretended not to hear, but who am I trying to kid? My stupid house phone is always on loudspeaker, it can't be switched off. So even when Kanga was on the phone with me, everyone could hear. When Zun Zen was yelling, everyone could hear.

The tears wouldn't stop. The pain wouldn't stop. The aching wouldn't stop. I felt pathetic, useless and so irresponsible. I didn't know it would turn out like that. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. Please believe that much. I'm really, truly, so sorry.